Writing

I remembered, all of this thing was started somewhat 6 years ago; when my very intellectual crush encouraged me to write. Because I love to read. It was somewhat a good encouragement, I do love to write. I was clueless at first, but I can consistently write in 2 years; well, not everyday – I was committing to once per month. But it was a very good progress.

And then, I stopped having crush with that person. As soon as that, I stopped writing. Just back here and there in between years. I was thinking, how I would go just to make someone happy by doing what he’s asking me to do. Well, we grew up don’t we? I realized, it’s not the end of the crush that stopped me writing. It’s because I am happy, sedated, and settled after that.

I found out these days that writing turns out to be somewhat my therapy when I faced some of big things in my life that intrigued me; that changed me. Back when I started to write, that was because I was in uncertain feelings toward my crush. I might be not necessary writing about my wariness, the anxiety, and the curiosity. But I was writing about what he had said, what he had encouraged me to do. That way, I was unconsciously doing my therapy. When the feelings gone, I started writing for another year. That’s because I was struggling with my new workplace. It was challenging, exhausting, yet inspiring. It deserved to be put as one of my whole career milestone, am totally not shy to mention that I was indeed once working in that thriving company. But, I am never afraid to say that I am not the suitable one there; hence the move back to the previous company. Let say, I was back to my happy place (still do until now). Of course, there were bits of everything here and there, but nothing much to disturbed my thoughts, my conscience about life that I had to write.

So yeah, I got back to writing, because I need my therapy as what I am facing right now has challenged everything I believed on. Three weeks had passed since that day. It’s like day counting, I would love to fast forward to see how this will end. But I guessed, for people like me, such hardship will be meant more for me. It would be carved in my heart, mind, and soul forever. I believed, things happened for reasons. With this situation happened, I know that God has another plan for me. To be a better person, to be thriving. That I might be a purpose for other, that I might be working wonder for other, or perhaps I might be creating pain for the other.

Whatever it will be, I know that you’ll never be able to please all people. Some will get hurt, some will gain. Some will be angry, some will be accepting. The one thing I am sure is that I am not in this alone. There are two people facing the same situation. I believe with my all heart with this person. As this one will give the best of a person can do. And I will take the consequences no matter what it will be ended someday. In my deeper heart, I know this would take more time than the other issue, but you have faced even longer time in facing yours. I can wait, I can be patient, I can be taking a little longer to look for the end of that chapter. And we’ll move on to whatever we’ll decide someday.

As said, this piece, again, will be the kind of therapy I needed.

Cha(lle)nge

The idea pretty much speak for itself. Many has said that the only constant thing in this world is change. I am pretty much totally with others with this. The only question is how do you want to face change?

As I get older, I feel/see that accepting change is getting harder and harder. I spent few months on contemplating what’s going on in my mind that I can’t accept a change well just as I had last time. Guessed that “empty glass, half-filled glass and full-filled glass” theory really apply here. It’s perhaps that my bases, my built has been getting bigger and stronger; that with a change, shaking the bigger foundation has just gone harder.

Change in a way as Challenge

I see that sometimes change comes mostly as a challenge. With us getting harder to accept the change, it just makes us feel that the challenge has just somewhat goes even crazier. A dear friend of mine once said: “Challenge is like a barrier, a wall. You could say that the height of the wall represent the level of difficulties. It’s your choice, on whether you are running along the wall; or you climb those freaking wall and see the whole new world behind that wall.”

The analogy pretty much round up everything. When you picked to run along the wall, you decided that you are enough at that point. Let the world change outside that wall, but you’ll stay there, because it’s already your comfort zone. When you choose to climb those wall and started to see the other wall, you decided that you want to accept the change, see the whole new things.

I used to think that climbing the wall is something I must do. That’s the only thing to improve myself; while running along is just basically a coward thing to do. But as I am typing this piece of words, I see that no choice are incorrect. Those who choose to run along the wall might have been satisfied with what they already achieved. Those who choose to run along the wall perhaps because they has found a new path to new wall, new things to be dig further. It’s just not the same wall as what you’ve faced. For them, it is not the wall they are facing, it is the crossing path that they are seeing; perhaps they are just choosing to have another way of life.

I came to realize that I am still taking this straight road, combating and climbing with the walls. At this state, I want to change the current “level” I am at; I want an “upgrade”. But the demons of climbing are never easy; it’s not easy but it doesn’t necessarily dull. It has its moment, and revelation of what you’ve come across. How high you’ve actually climbed those walls, how far you are actually from the ground level. Sometimes, it change you as a cocky person. Sometimes, it helped you to be a humble person. You just have to be reminded that every people is fighting on different walls, different paths. The change in other could impact on you, but you can always choose, on whether you want to change toward their direction, or differently. None are wrong, none are correct; no judgment can be done as we all have different dreams.

Two O One Five

Hey, it’s 2015!

When’s the last time blogging? Oh no, it was May 23rd, 2013! The resolution of doing a piece of writing on each month during 2012 seemed to be applicable for what, 12-18 month only? Shame on me 🙂

Well, a lot of things have been happened (of course! Did you expect the earth for not rotating? Ha!). I’ve changed, people changed, everything changed. And suddenly I realized, “Ah, maybe this is the time for writing again.”

Hopefully I am staying; although there might be near none reader, I’ll keep on writing. Because I am a little bit that narcissistic person who turn out to be happy reading my past writing. Kidding, I just love how the writing reminds me of what I’ve gone through, what I’ve learned and where I would like to go.

So, I am welcoming myself back! *finger crossed”

At my favorite Cafe in the past year – Blumchen.

“You are not alone..”

I spent 1 year 2 months in the new working place – struggling, laughing, juggling, learning, and knowing tons of new things. And yes, I am finally back. I am literally back, back to write this post, back to the cheerful me, back to the person who appreciate her work so much, and yes, I am back to my previous job.

 

Did I have fun in the past 1 year 2 months like what I planned to have when I moved to that place? Yes, for sure I did have fun. I met a lot of new people, some inspiring, some annoying, some lovable, some hateful, and many kinds. It made me see the bigger and wider world and point of view. But, to admit it, it wasn’t really my place to be. A lot of people had questioned “Why are you leaving?”; a lot showed a huge surprise – especially when it is not a common practice for someone moving back to agency side. At some points, I were getting tired of answering “because”; but now I will proudly say “Why not?”.

People are sometimes blinded by the paradigm that something stated the best by society is the best as well. But we mostly forget that as an individual, best thing for you or to the world doesn’t mean it is the best thing for me. Best thing for me is getting back to this old but everlasting family of mine.

 

Of course, the journey of 1 year 2 month had changed me. It’s almost impossible to say I am the same person I was 1.5 years ago. I have adapted with the new environment, and it has changed me into a more individualist person. I don’t hate it but it doesn’t mean I like it that much as well. Being individualist means you have higher ego and arrogance, you somehow somewhat believed that you can only depend on yourself, you think that everybody else is worst than you. In a good way, being individualist mean you have a good confidence level, you are independent, you are able to make decisions. Both good and bad have intrudes my system. It intrudes in a way that I didn’t realize, I brought it up to my current state.

Second week after joining back on this work, my colleagues jokingly said that “Somebody get used to held her chins up”. He is a very good mentor of mine, and I got it immediately that he was reminding me that keeping the bad of being individualistic is not needed here. He mentioned that I was most-likely doing everything on my own, and trying my best to keep on standing on my own feet so hard. And he said, it is a good thing, but don’t forget, “you are not alone here”. Everybody is at everybody’s back. Yes, it made us look like a stalker who want to know everybody’s business, but when we are that close, it wasn’t a stalking at all. It just showed how much people care for you and they will always held you up once you fell down.

 

After spending 1.5 months, my friend’s statement has just getting truer. Since the day he mentioned “You are not alone”, I realize, I am NEVER alone until now; and I finally started to leave the worst of individualistic, leaving the best one instead.

The Best Way of Comparing

Hey, it’s been a while since I wrote something here. It’s been a roller coaster journey in the past month, travelled from one place to another, having a Christmas dinner with friends and family. First time spending my Christmas and New Year without being at hometown and surrounded by mom, dad, sister, and brother (but it kind of fun too, you know – I am still missing them though).

Funny thing is, I re-read my blog just now; and well, I learned that somehow my own writing kept reminding me of what I am and what I am supposed to be. Here’s another point of view and story about comparing things:

 

I am kind of having this bad habit of having a prejudice on things. Of course, prejudice is not coming in a blink of eyes. It came from your own experience, what you’ve done, and what you feel around. Back then, I remembered my mom commented on some cousins who is mature enough to be married. She said: “your cousin is adding age each year, and yet, she hasn’t got married yet. It will be really difficult for her to find a husband.” and then she add: “being on that age, she already have everything she needs, a house, a steady income, good position at work, etc. and this would prevent men to get close to her; as men will feel ‘intimidated'”.

Based on what my mom told me, when I am already at workplace, I think I am going to twist it. I’ll say back then, it is probably not only the men felt intimidated, but it came from my cousins as well, who (I am quite sure) with the additional age and experience each years, will have higher and higher standard. She would compare man to man. The more she get to know a person, the higher the expectation are. As each of the men give a different standard.

 

Oh yes, it happened to me. Just. Now. And to rethink of it, I was being selfish – TOTALLY selfish. I am doing no justice comparing based on somebody is doing this, and I expect somebody else is doing the same thing as well. I have forgotten that actually, every people are unique in their own way, and they might do something differently, but perhaps they still have the same main goal.

I am setting expectation only based on the ‘maximum’ I’ve ever experienced to everything else. When it doesn’t meet the expectation, I would think that they are not good enough. Oh yes, I am very prejudicial, and really realizing that bad habit. But when I am at the lowest point, I tend to not thinking rationally (I know, this is reason, but I need to be defensive a lil’ bit, too right?). So, I was expecting somebody else do the same, and apparently he didn’t. I was somehow get mad, I talked to another friends about how disappointed I was. After half an hour chanting, whining, and complaining to my friend; I decided to see what this “somebody-else-who-disappoint-me” said in the chat box. Apparently, that particular person have the same goal with what I expected, but that particular person did it in a different way. And to be honest, when I tried to be more open-minded on how these people do things differently, apparently, I am being a better person.

 

So (am getting serious here 😛 *just kidding*), when you’re comparing things, make sure you’ve the right proportions on pros and cons to be compared. You’ll do justice if you tried to think neutral, instead of taking side on what you’ve preferred. Do justice, everybody need a fair justification.

 

Karawaci, 3 January 2012 – first post on new year, first bad mood, and got boosted to positive by reading my previous post. 🙂

btw, my cousin did finally get her soulmate 🙂

Too Much Compliments Kill

We’ve heard a lot said “too much never do you good”, well I cannot agree more. This time, I was drunk with too much compliments, which almost killed my sense.

 

A month has passed for the new journey here. Just before I moved, some of the directors in the previous company talked to me. Most of them talking about how good I am, and it would be a great loss for them if I moved to the new place. As previous, I was flattered, and still kept in mind that I need to be down to earth, because there are just lots of better people out there. Then I entered to the new work: first week was great, second through one month; I was like bumping here and there confused about what to do and how to do. In between, the new superior of mine talked to me that, she is expecting much from me. She has heard a lot of me, and (again) it is the good one. Of course, automatically, she set higher expectation with the standard already given there.

I talked to my friend, that I was scared that I might not go through that expectation, as I wasn’t that good. That compliments are just overrated. Enough saying, the truth is I became cocky; as other said, you’re saying “No, I wasn’t that good” just to make other compliment you more. Unconsciously, I was doing all those stupid things. HA! Bad habit of mine.

 

It comes today, suddenly, out of no where, I realized: I tried too hard to not be me; by trying to change my style in order to get to my superior’s expectation. And I realized (again out of no where), I have just to be me. That’s what they talked about previously about how good I am right? Perhaps, if somebody’s saying “Hey, you’re good”; I’ll try to answer thank you and humble instead. That way, I guess I will manage the compliments I received right? So, I won’t get cocky and fly to the moon without looking to the earth.

 

Well, I am lying, it doesn’t come out of no where, actually, today I talked to my best friends. One is the best mentor I’ve ever had, one is the irreplaceable friend I found in my first job. The funny things are we don’t talked about what kind of situation I had, what my work is, or what I am feeling right now. We are just talking nonsense, basic regular things as we talked in the past times. From talking my ex-colleagues, how to manage new fresh graduate, or even relationship stuff. In funny way, God gives me a sign that I am better when I am “normal”. And He gave me the talks to be normal with my friends.

After the talks with my friends, I realized, I DO need to follow the new company “rules”, I DO need to follow the way the new colleagues work, but I forgot that I am an unique individual as well. Who can have my own way if I think it is better than the current way, who can have my own decision to make, who is independent in both work and self. And I am really don’t need to think and assess the expectation too much. All I need to do is giving my best, despite of all expectation, be more proactive, and do the work with the best deliverable I can give. I guess that’s what’s all matter.

 

You see, it’s started from a simple compliments, by several people, in a consecutive days, and I am easily get cocky. I remembered one of my friend said, “You are a very arrogant, currently, in a good way. Because you’re proud of what you have, and what you are able to do. And with that arrogance you built a very high self-confidence. But beware, because the arrogance in a good way, is just an inch away from the bad one.” I was slipped, and getting to know that things are still the usual, I will try my hardest to crawl back to previous good one.

So, whenever there is too much, be always beware. Even if you beware, you can still get “killed”, but if you are brave enough to admit it, you will get through and survive.

 

Karawaci, November 30th, 2011.