Sometimes, learning of life is not only coming from our experiences, but also coming from your closest one. Sometimes, it’s easier to be at the viewer point of view. Sometimes, it’s easier to judge when you’re not the one who is in the problem. Sometimes, it’s easier to be sane when you’re only advising.
*trung (sound of my BB messenger chats)*
Friend: What are you doing?
Friend: Can I call you?
…one hour later..
Me: Hey there! 🙂
Me: Sorry, I was in a meeting, what happened dear?
…waiting for reply…
She asked to have a sleepover at my home that night, and she told me she just caught her boyfriend of one year cheating over her; with his client’s daughter. Ah well, since she said there is something happened, I don’t know why but I am kind of expecting this kind of story coming out from her mouth. She told me the whole detailed story on how she accidentally found out that her boyfriend cheating. When she finished telling me the whole detail story (well, I am not proud I’ve said this, but I did it eventually):
Once a cheater, will be always a cheater.
I know, she was just hit by the biggest shock in a day, but I was thinking, she need to be sane as well. I talked in that way because I was mad, other than that, I know exactly that my sentence is valid. He has a historical of cheating. People has been always quoting in that way, but now I truly believed that that quotation is real.
Acting wisely, when my friend asked what to do next, all I could say was: “This is your life, honey. This is your relationship; relationship should be the matter of 2 persons. Nobody is allowed to interfere. If you have problem, it’s both of your job to solve it. I cannot solve the problem to you; it won’t work anyway. But I’ll say this, you give him a chance, of what you called starting-over-period. In this period, please, calm yourself down. Don’t you dare taking any decision if you’re not calm down, yet. And then, think over these 2 choices: you want to be with him yet the insecurity will haunt you the entire life or you move on-get a new life.”
To think about what I said, I might be not fair, because it sounded like I would really love her to break up with that boy instead of staying with him. Well, there are no guarantees in life, he might be changing into a better person in the starting-over-period. But is this going to stop him from cheating forever? I don’t think so. He will manage to be a better person in this phase because he knew he has ruined things, and he didn’t want a break up. But, when the condition has back to the previous normal state, will he stay away from cheating? There is other friend of mine saying, people change, you should give him a second chance. But is he worth the second chance, if he has made you sacrifice your own happiness? For God sake, this world has been very mad enough with all the problems. I would love to have a relationship where I can have my sanity, I wouldn’t want a relationship that turn out to be my extra problem and luggage to carry over!
She really listened to me and promised to think about it. I know I cannot do much, all I can do is listening to whatever she want to talk. And only in 3 days, she turned into a state that I always afraid of: blaming herself over the failed relationship. To you all the people in the world, if you are in this kind of condition, let me remind you, you’re a victim here. It’s not your fault that he decide to cheating over a beautiful and nice relationship. I have a strong idealism on communication, and problem-should-be-solved things. If your problem is there are no communication between, you should fix it. If there is any problem, fix it, don’t let it be. Cheating is just a way of running away from the fact that there is a problem in the relationship. Sometimes, we are not realizing that we just let it slipped over, but that’s very human. What matter if it already happened is you calm down, and re-think, re-look, and re-consider, you’ll have your best answer then. As I said, there are no guarantee:
- When you decided that he/she might deserve a second chance, he/she might be cheat again
- When you decided that he/she might deserve a second chance, he/she might be really changing
- When you decided that he/she doesn’t deserve a chance, he/she might be really doesn’t deserve one
- When you decided that he/she doesn’t deserve a chance, he/she might be deserve a chance
and so on, there are a lot of probabilities in this world. But no matter what your decisions are, please do ask these questions to yourself:
Will you sacrifice your happiness? Is she/he really deserve all your decision?
Go figure, one thing, remember, this is not your fault, relationship supposed to be 2 persons life. When there is something happened, both have their own part on creating the problems.
Karawaci, writing this piece in order to remind me, every single incidents happened for my closest one is also a great learning.