Sometimes, learning of life is not only coming from our experiences, but also coming from your closest one. Sometimes, it’s easier to be at the viewer point of view. Sometimes, it’s easier to judge when you’re not the one who is in the problem. Sometimes, it’s easier to be sane when you’re only advising.
*trung (sound of my BB messenger chats)*
Friend: What are you doing?
Friend: Can I call you?
…one hour later..
Me: Hey there! 🙂
Me: Sorry, I was in a meeting, what happened dear?
…waiting for reply…
She asked to have a sleepover at my home that night, and she told me she just caught her boyfriend of one year cheating over her; with his client’s daughter. Ah well, since she said there is something happened, I don’t know why but I am kind of expecting this kind of story coming out from her mouth. She told me the whole detailed story on how she accidentally found out that her boyfriend cheating. When she finished telling me the whole detail story (well, I am not proud I’ve said this, but I did it eventually):
Once a cheater, will be always a cheater.
I know, she was just hit by the biggest shock in a day, but I was thinking, she need to be sane as well. I talked in that way because I was mad, other than that, I know exactly that my sentence is valid. He has a historical of cheating. People has been always quoting in that way, but now I truly believed that that quotation is real.
Acting wisely, when my friend asked what to do next, all I could say was: “This is your life, honey. This is your relationship; relationship should be the matter of 2 persons. Nobody is allowed to interfere. If you have problem, it’s both of your job to solve it. I cannot solve the problem to you; it won’t work anyway. But I’ll say this, you give him a chance, of what you called starting-over-period. In this period, please, calm yourself down. Don’t you dare taking any decision if you’re not calm down, yet. And then, think over these 2 choices: you want to be with him yet the insecurity will haunt you the entire life or you move on-get a new life.”
To think about what I said, I might be not fair, because it sounded like I would really love her to break up with that boy instead of staying with him. Well, there are no guarantees in life, he might be changing into a better person in the starting-over-period. But is this going to stop him from cheating forever? I don’t think so. He will manage to be a better person in this phase because he knew he has ruined things, and he didn’t want a break up. But, when the condition has back to the previous normal state, will he stay away from cheating? There is other friend of mine saying, people change, you should give him a second chance. But is he worth the second chance, if he has made you sacrifice your own happiness? For God sake, this world has been very mad enough with all the problems. I would love to have a relationship where I can have my sanity, I wouldn’t want a relationship that turn out to be my extra problem and luggage to carry over!
She really listened to me and promised to think about it. I know I cannot do much, all I can do is listening to whatever she want to talk. And only in 3 days, she turned into a state that I always afraid of: blaming herself over the failed relationship. To you all the people in the world, if you are in this kind of condition, let me remind you, you’re a victim here. It’s not your fault that he decide to cheating over a beautiful and nice relationship. I have a strong idealism on communication, and problem-should-be-solved things. If your problem is there are no communication between, you should fix it. If there is any problem, fix it, don’t let it be. Cheating is just a way of running away from the fact that there is a problem in the relationship. Sometimes, we are not realizing that we just let it slipped over, but that’s very human. What matter if it already happened is you calm down, and re-think, re-look, and re-consider, you’ll have your best answer then. As I said, there are no guarantee:
- When you decided that he/she might deserve a second chance, he/she might be cheat again
- When you decided that he/she might deserve a second chance, he/she might be really changing
- When you decided that he/she doesn’t deserve a chance, he/she might be really doesn’t deserve one
- When you decided that he/she doesn’t deserve a chance, he/she might be deserve a chance
and so on, there are a lot of probabilities in this world. But no matter what your decisions are, please do ask these questions to yourself:
Will you sacrifice your happiness? Is she/he really deserve all your decision?
Go figure, one thing, remember, this is not your fault, relationship supposed to be 2 persons life. When there is something happened, both have their own part on creating the problems.
Karawaci, writing this piece in order to remind me, every single incidents happened for my closest one is also a great learning.
I am quite surprise looking at my archive list, it has been 10 months since I wrote in this blog, this is the 33rd posts since then. I re-read them all, it kept reminding me of my personal life, how life has turned out be great and low in same page. This is truly my life written down. Funny, on how I am still not believing on myself that I am able to keep on doing this things (let’s pray this won’t stop).
Many people think about writing, but less of them really do the writing. There are many reasons: “I don’t know how to write”, “I don’t have much times”, “I don’t know what to write”, etc. I also used all kind of reasons I have in the past as well, but at one point I said to myself: I HAVE to do it now. It’s now or never.
It’s always hard to do things at the first time. Before I started to write “The Trapped Heat”; I planned. I planned to have environment issues, family stories, and friend stories in my blog. I have a LOT of plan to make the blog in order. It’s funny how that first post showed me that I am not that kind of writer. I am kind of free-styled in writing things. I have to admit that writing about myself sounds scary as I am about to open myself to this world. But my best writing turns out to come from myself. FYI, I have kept this blog quite a long time for myself and my closest friends only; perhaps 5 people maximum. At one point, I was thinking, “well, you’ve written down everything here, why don’t you share the world on your point of view?”. Came to 30th post, I finally managed to announce this blog to the world. I scared on how people judged me based on the writing, but then again, I should take the risk to grow as even better writer.
The first opinion I got is really valid, my friend said, your previous first posts was not that interesting as there is no objective-main story-conclusion flow; but along with the more writing, the story kept on producing more flowing stages. Well, I did understand that everything should be that flow; but sometimes, I forgot to make the conclusion happened, I forgot that I should have put more words into it. But then again, critics are really accepted. 😉
Then about the story about myself, it turns out most of my friends said that what I’ve wrote down in here is not bad, I am supposed to be happy with what I can share and capable of. And some of them even enjoy it! Being frankly, I am going to confess that sometimes I think I wrote to much details on my personal. Let’s see, we’re going to fix this. I am thinking of delivering point of view based on my experience and observation instead of telling the whole story of myself. Maybe, it can help out anyone out there who read this blog with some simple opinion. Let’s see, whether I can be a better writer or not.
Oh, the last and the most important thing: grab your pen and paper or create your own pages, start writing now! As old proverb say: “why do it later if you can do it now?” Create no reason, no barrier, because we have no limit – it’s just the matter of you would like to try or not.
Karawaci, the 33rd posts and counting..
You can think of a lot of heartbreak condition, but this time, all I can think of heartbreak is: when your grandpa who has lived for almost the entire of your life together no longer remember your name. He remembered you as one of his grandchildren, he knew exactly which of his son/daughter’s children you are, but he don’t remember your name. He don’t remember what are you doing currently, he don’t know what to say anymore, he is no longer able to be the same man I grew up with. He thought you were still living in your hometown, he thought you were still young.
But when he said, “you look skinny, haven’t you eat? You should eat much. You should eat enough”, the heartbreak has just gone away, changed into a very warm feeling in the heart. He still cared for you, that’s what’s more important. :’)
Who don’t love to get a gift? Well, I think everybody do love a gift. It showed that somebody really care for us. It showed that somebody really thought of us. Recently, my colleagues went for vacation and he back with souvenirs for each of us at the office. I think it was really thoughtfull of him, and I don’t think I am really thanking him on the souvenirs.
Why am I thinking that I am not really thanking him on the souvenir? Well, when he gave me the gift, it kind of surprising, because I was new to the team. I don’t expect to get one, and it kind of awkward to be that expressive (I am not the type of “expressive” person, I am more like “serious”). Not that I am not like getting a gift, but I don’t get used to get a gift.
Maybe this has a connection with my way of growing up. My parents gave us gift in each of our birthday – well, it’s really expected. Whenever my uncles/aunties went for vacation, they would bring some souvenirs as well. But, when you’ve grown up, this kind of things are fading away. People love to get gifts for youngsters, because they think it is cute, but when you’re a grown up already, gift is no longer necessary because you became more independent. I am really fine with this thought, I think it is supposed to be like that. But then, in term of gift, I am more “giver” than “receiver”. I don’t mind spending money for buying non-sense things to my sister. I don’t mind spending more for my parents’ anniversary gifts. I don’t mind spending money for my brother/sister’s birthday. I DO love to give them gift. It just, that happy feeling when you see that they unwrapped the wrapping paper, openning the box, and get to know what’s inside.
Therefore, it felt really awkward whenever somebody giving me a gift. I don’t know how to react. Some able to express their gratitude by smiling widely and saying their gratitude in a loud and expressive way. Well, I realized that I am just smiling awkwardly and saying thank you and than that’s it. But you know, it doesn’t mean I am not happy, I just don’t know how to react (it’s even worst if the gift is given in a really-really-really unexpected time).
So, dear friend-who-had-gave-me-present, I am sorry if it seemed like I am not happy with my gift. It’s not that I am not happy with your gift, it just I am not used to getting a gift. But, deep inside my heart, I am really gratefull of every gifts you have gave me. Each of the gift is just so precious.
Friday night at office, waiting for the traffic to get slightly better (you know Jakarta in Friday night with rain).