Too Much Compliments Kill

We’ve heard a lot said “too much never do you good”, well I cannot agree more. This time, I was drunk with too much compliments, which almost killed my sense.

 

A month has passed for the new journey here. Just before I moved, some of the directors in the previous company talked to me. Most of them talking about how good I am, and it would be a great loss for them if I moved to the new place. As previous, I was flattered, and still kept in mind that I need to be down to earth, because there are just lots of better people out there. Then I entered to the new work: first week was great, second through one month; I was like bumping here and there confused about what to do and how to do. In between, the new superior of mine talked to me that, she is expecting much from me. She has heard a lot of me, and (again) it is the good one. Of course, automatically, she set higher expectation with the standard already given there.

I talked to my friend, that I was scared that I might not go through that expectation, as I wasn’t that good. That compliments are just overrated. Enough saying, the truth is I became cocky; as other said, you’re saying “No, I wasn’t that good” just to make other compliment you more. Unconsciously, I was doing all those stupid things. HA! Bad habit of mine.

 

It comes today, suddenly, out of no where, I realized: I tried too hard to not be me; by trying to change my style in order to get to my superior’s expectation. And I realized (again out of no where), I have just to be me. That’s what they talked about previously about how good I am right? Perhaps, if somebody’s saying “Hey, you’re good”; I’ll try to answer thank you and humble instead. That way, I guess I will manage the compliments I received right? So, I won’t get cocky and fly to the moon without looking to the earth.

 

Well, I am lying, it doesn’t come out of no where, actually, today I talked to my best friends. One is the best mentor I’ve ever had, one is the irreplaceable friend I found in my first job. The funny things are we don’t talked about what kind of situation I had, what my work is, or what I am feeling right now. We are just talking nonsense, basic regular things as we talked in the past times. From talking my ex-colleagues, how to manage new fresh graduate, or even relationship stuff. In funny way, God gives me a sign that I am better when I am “normal”. And He gave me the talks to be normal with my friends.

After the talks with my friends, I realized, I DO need to follow the new company “rules”, I DO need to follow the way the new colleagues work, but I forgot that I am an unique individual as well. Who can have my own way if I think it is better than the current way, who can have my own decision to make, who is independent in both work and self. And I am really don’t need to think and assess the expectation too much. All I need to do is giving my best, despite of all expectation, be more proactive, and do the work with the best deliverable I can give. I guess that’s what’s all matter.

 

You see, it’s started from a simple compliments, by several people, in a consecutive days, and I am easily get cocky. I remembered one of my friend said, “You are a very arrogant, currently, in a good way. Because you’re proud of what you have, and what you are able to do. And with that arrogance you built a very high self-confidence. But beware, because the arrogance in a good way, is just an inch away from the bad one.” I was slipped, and getting to know that things are still the usual, I will try my hardest to crawl back to previous good one.

So, whenever there is too much, be always beware. Even if you beware, you can still get “killed”, but if you are brave enough to admit it, you will get through and survive.

 

Karawaci, November 30th, 2011.

Acceptance

Browsing through the posts I’ve written, it seems like currently my life is really full of my friends, work, and sister. I hardly wrote about relationship. However, something struck me this week. In university time, I have 3 close girlfriends; we used to talk anything from university’s projects, classmate, boys-to-be-men, and everything. Time flies fast, suddenly, I am (finally) fully aware that one of them is getting married in 10 days; another has engaged last October, and the third has been talking about getting married within end of 2012 or early 2013. It’s funny, but I felt a little bit left behind by them, not that I am not happy with my life. It just they are moving to the next step of life-changing-moments in same path, while my life-changing-moments has the only different path. And of course, you can guess it, every time we meet each other, the questions will be “hey, have you got any boyfriend, yet?”.

 

The last relationship I had, was lasted for 4 years. Yes, I know it was quite long enough; some relatives even said that I was just wasting my time. I am not going to debate with those, decision had been made, I know exactly what I was doing. At least (in good or bad) I am the one who responsible for the decision. So, one of the three girls is asking me, what’s exactly do you find in a man that you think suited you the most? And she notes that I cannot answer affection, because of course the affection is too obvious. My answer is “Acceptance” – I am not going to lie that I have my own list of what kind of the perfect man I would like to have in a relationship. Every girls in this world will surely have this list. But, in reality, you know that nobody is perfect, and that God will give you what you need not what you want.

So, before explaining on the acceptance, I questioned back my friends, of why she is so sure she will get married with this guy. What makes she think that this one is the right one? She said, she is ready for a more serious relationship. At first, she admitted that adapting in new relationship was very difficult. With the 7 years gap, the world seemed to be so much different on her side and his side. They way he think and act are quite different with her. They were struggling hard, no one would want to tolerate on things. My friend here is quite stubborn, dominant, and love to lead (even though she is a girl). Of course, with those habit, you’ll unconsciously trying to take over on everything else. We always said that, girl love to have a man than can lead, taking decision, and can be relied on (oh yes, we are independent, but we also need that quality in a man). But being so dominant, my friend is slowly tired of searching those quality in her boyfriend.

Until at one point, she realized that, actually, she doesn’t have to be taking the leading role. She can learn to let go, eventually, her man will take the steer of from her and drive it well. And that’s the point, where everything started to get better. She let her boyfriend to lead, taking control without ignoring her opinions. They walk as if they were one instead two. Both of them are filling for each other. And that, I said to her, THAT is acceptance.

At the point she realized and started to let go of her dominant part, she has just accepted the “need”, instead of forcing “want”. So, back to her question to me, I explained, yes, I do have some criteria of the “perfect” man, but what I am truly looking for is: “Am I going to accept him if the criteria turns out to be not “perfect” in want definition, but “perfect” in need definition.”

 

 

Karawaci, November 16th 2011 – BTW, I am happy with my path 🙂 we are good friends, but it doesn’t mean all of us have to walk together in one line and I am super happy for you girls

Letting Go

Hey Mei (the way my high school friend calling me), you’re family freak, you know? If someone hurt your family, you will always stand up at the front line protecting them. Especially your sister.

 

It was said years ago, on my 18th birthday, in the video they taped for my birthday gift. Back then, I already know that I am a little bit (well, most of my friends said it’s not “little bit” but it’s “very much”) protective of my younger sister. Not that, she cannot protect herself, it just… well, we have 4 years age difference; and no matter what, she’ll be the little one, right? Leaving for university 6 years ago wasn’t hard for me, I am always labelled as the most independent among my siblings. Both my parents never have to worry about me as I am doing things on my own. But it turned out, leaving for university was hard because I had to leave my sister. I knew that I would back on holiday, but it was different. Eventually, I could get over it and got used to it.

Until few years ago, she was finally entering the university life. We started to live together again (both of us live apart from our parents, as they are not living at Jakarta/Karawaci here). It is a really nice sisters relationship if I may say. Without me noticing, she has really grown up, and no longer a little girl that we need to protect. Yes, you can guess it, most of the times, I am still treating that I need to be at the front line for her.

I would scream, mad, and punish her friends, if they hurt her. I would come and finish her problem, if I could. I would be her, if she has super big problem, and solve it, so she don’t need to be hurt. But I know, I can’t. She needs to be grow up, and I need to let her lead her own life.

 

Starting this semester, she was appointed as the team leader for some kind of activity for their major. The first response I felt was, I was scared to hell, because I scared that she wouldn’t able to make it. Even though it wasn’t like super big event, it is still an event anyway. I was the one who loved to join this kind of organizations back then, and I knew exactly how tough it is to lead (for the record, I never took the leader position); frankly, she never involved that much as well, therefore I was scared. But what could I say? She know her capability, or at least, she need to test her own capability, right? So, all I could say was, “Are you sure to took that role? Will it disturb your university activity? If no, then you can take it.”

She told me almost everything, and I am keeping track with her as well. So, this event things, had got a lot of barrier since the start. First, postponed because it crossed other events held by their teacher. And then, conflict of interest between her and her friends (who was the vice leader for that event). After that, the fund thing-y, and a lot of stuffs. Well, not that other event doesn’t have these kind of problems, it just, these was happening for your own sister. And I cannot do anything to help. I can advice, of course, but I was really eager to jump in, and help her solving all of that. Even though it didn’t guarantee no problem would occur, but at least she was not hurt. I knew she had cried and tired with all of that things, but she never gave up, she kept trying, never saying bad things about other; listening about what everyone advised to her. In short, she is incredible, she has huge endurance and patience (something that I don’t have).

 

Few days ago, the event was finally held, and the rest is history. She did it! It might be not the best event ever, but she made it, and everyone was happy with her work. Letting go of the super protective side of me for her, I learned that she is no longer that little sister that need my full protection and hiding on my back. I learned that, she is a great girl, with a lot of patience, endurance, and smiles. She knows how to think, how to act, and how to react (she is really SMART!). She is really a different person from who I am, and yet, I am still falling in love with my little sister with all of that. In short, I am proud of you my little sister.

 

Karawaci, November 6th, 2011 – writing with the “song” of my tired sister’s snore 🙂 love you, my dearest sister.