I remembered, all of this thing was started somewhat 6 years ago; when my very intellectual crush encouraged me to write. Because I love to read. It was somewhat a good encouragement, I do love to write. I was clueless at first, but I can consistently write in 2 years; well, not everyday – I was committing to once per month. But it was a very good progress.

And then, I stopped having crush with that person. As soon as that, I stopped writing. Just back here and there in between years. I was thinking, how I would go just to make someone happy by doing what he’s asking me to do. Well, we grew up don’t we? I realized, it’s not the end of the crush that stopped me writing. It’s because I am happy, sedated, and settled after that.

I found out these days that writing turns out to be somewhat my therapy when I faced some of big things in my life that intrigued me; that changed me. Back when I started to write, that was because I was in uncertain feelings toward my crush. I might be not necessary writing about my wariness, the anxiety, and the curiosity. But I was writing about what he had said, what he had encouraged me to do. That way, I was unconsciously doing my therapy. When the feelings gone, I started writing for another year. That’s because I was struggling with my new workplace. It was challenging, exhausting, yet inspiring. It deserved to be put as one of my whole career milestone, am totally not shy to mention that I was indeed once working in that thriving company. But, I am never afraid to say that I am not the suitable one there; hence the move back to the previous company. Let say, I was back to my happy place (still do until now). Of course, there were bits of everything here and there, but nothing much to disturbed my thoughts, my conscience about life that I had to write.

So yeah, I got back to writing, because I need my therapy as what I am facing right now has challenged everything I believed on. Three weeks had passed since that day. It’s like day counting, I would love to fast forward to see how this will end. But I guessed, for people like me, such hardship will be meant more for me. It would be carved in my heart, mind, and soul forever. I believed, things happened for reasons. With this situation happened, I know that God has another plan for me. To be a better person, to be thriving. That I might be a purpose for other, that I might be working wonder for other, or perhaps I might be creating pain for the other.

Whatever it will be, I know that you’ll never be able to please all people. Some will get hurt, some will gain. Some will be angry, some will be accepting. The one thing I am sure is that I am not in this alone. There are two people facing the same situation. I believe with my all heart with this person. As this one will give the best of a person can do. And I will take the consequences no matter what it will be ended someday. In my deeper heart, I know this would take more time than the other issue, but you have faced even longer time in facing yours. I can wait, I can be patient, I can be taking a little longer to look for the end of that chapter. And we’ll move on to whatever we’ll decide someday.

As said, this piece, again, will be the kind of therapy I needed.


Those funny letters creating one fruitful meaning in my world: Friends. I remembered back when I just started to begun my college years, I’ve decided to not start close relationship to any of the new person I met. In return, I got my best friends there. It’s baffling me that it has been 10 years this year that we’ve been friends.

And then, I go to work. Generally, you don’t get best friends at work, you get colleagues, leaders, bosses, etc. It’s funny how I ended working at this company where everybody seems to be another body’s best buddy. From working hour to weekends, everyone is doing it together. It might sounded like we live in a very small community, but no, we’re expanding. It is still the greatest feeling I have ever since.

From those I’ve met, hanged out with; I found this particular 2 persons, whose really “grabbing” me. I just can’t stop looking after/to them. For me, both of them are my super role-models.

One of them kept me on the ground with her sensible thought. I could be gone mad as hell, and she could just mention a sentence that totally make sense and I would suddenly calm down. We had our moment, in the past 6 years of friendship, we had that moment when perhaps we hate each other. We pissed of over simple things, like deciding where to eat, or where to go, or even her pissed of me for being to nuts over tidying up things. But we never stopped being friends, from eavesdropping next-table’s conversation in cafe, telling your secrets, being slouchy together and angry together.

If not because of her, I thought I could be not as sensible as I am today. I have this thrive to easily burned out and fired back whenever something tick me off. Because of her, I learned the most that you just have to take a deep breath, do the thinking first, and then act. It’s still not an easy thing for me, but I’d say, it’s a progress.

While the other, it’s quite magical on how a regular coffee moment every morning every day before we started working could turn us into the best buddies. He is a great person, a great leader with the most cynical attitude I’ve ever met. Yet, he is one of the smartest, the most logical, and surprisingly has quite some similar attitude and thinking with mine.

I learned from him that having an ambition as wide as the sea is good. I learned that baby step of doing the ambition need to be done, and those baby step will be always the hardest. I learned that even a baby step is a super hard work, I learned that when you fall down, you just have to get up and walk forward. Fix everything wrong, avoid to do the mistake second time, and do it again. Yes, he is cynical, but I’ll say he has even more positive attitude that the average person has.

In a way, these two persons have balanced out my personality in the past years. I wouldn’t trade them with anything else. So, for both of you, I send you with my biggest gratitude and love for always standing beside me. Annoyed me, taught me, cursed with me, built me and just being there as my best of best-est friends.

Love you to the moon and back!


The idea pretty much speak for itself. Many has said that the only constant thing in this world is change. I am pretty much totally with others with this. The only question is how do you want to face change?

As I get older, I feel/see that accepting change is getting harder and harder. I spent few months on contemplating what’s going on in my mind that I can’t accept a change well just as I had last time. Guessed that “empty glass, half-filled glass and full-filled glass” theory really apply here. It’s perhaps that my bases, my built has been getting bigger and stronger; that with a change, shaking the bigger foundation has just gone harder.

Change in a way as Challenge

I see that sometimes change comes mostly as a challenge. With us getting harder to accept the change, it just makes us feel that the challenge has just somewhat goes even crazier. A dear friend of mine once said: “Challenge is like a barrier, a wall. You could say that the height of the wall represent the level of difficulties. It’s your choice, on whether you are running along the wall; or you climb those freaking wall and see the whole new world behind that wall.”

The analogy pretty much round up everything. When you picked to run along the wall, you decided that you are enough at that point. Let the world change outside that wall, but you’ll stay there, because it’s already your comfort zone. When you choose to climb those wall and started to see the other wall, you decided that you want to accept the change, see the whole new things.

I used to think that climbing the wall is something I must do. That’s the only thing to improve myself; while running along is just basically a coward thing to do. But as I am typing this piece of words, I see that no choice are incorrect. Those who choose to run along the wall might have been satisfied with what they already achieved. Those who choose to run along the wall perhaps because they has found a new path to new wall, new things to be dig further. It’s just not the same wall as what you’ve faced. For them, it is not the wall they are facing, it is the crossing path that they are seeing; perhaps they are just choosing to have another way of life.

I came to realize that I am still taking this straight road, combating and climbing with the walls. At this state, I want to change the current “level” I am at; I want an “upgrade”. But the demons of climbing are never easy; it’s not easy but it doesn’t necessarily dull. It has its moment, and revelation of what you’ve come across. How high you’ve actually climbed those walls, how far you are actually from the ground level. Sometimes, it change you as a cocky person. Sometimes, it helped you to be a humble person. You just have to be reminded that every people is fighting on different walls, different paths. The change in other could impact on you, but you can always choose, on whether you want to change toward their direction, or differently. None are wrong, none are correct; no judgment can be done as we all have different dreams.

Two O One Five

Hey, it’s 2015!

When’s the last time blogging? Oh no, it was May 23rd, 2013! The resolution of doing a piece of writing on each month during 2012 seemed to be applicable for what, 12-18 month only? Shame on me 🙂

Well, a lot of things have been happened (of course! Did you expect the earth for not rotating? Ha!). I’ve changed, people changed, everything changed. And suddenly I realized, “Ah, maybe this is the time for writing again.”

Hopefully I am staying; although there might be near none reader, I’ll keep on writing. Because I am a little bit that narcissistic person who turn out to be happy reading my past writing. Kidding, I just love how the writing reminds me of what I’ve gone through, what I’ve learned and where I would like to go.

So, I am welcoming myself back! *finger crossed”

At my favorite Cafe in the past year – Blumchen.

Expectation and Hope

Here, where I live, I see a lot of young people get married in such a young age. Despite of living in this 21st century where you are not supposed to married very young, many people choose to do so. My few close friends for example, got married when she was just 22; or even some of the male friends, who are going to be married this year before he is 26! Well, I am not despising their decision; it’s their own life, and I expect/suppose that they know what they are doing. Divorce rates are to devastating, so yes, hopefully they made the decision with a clear head.


So, back to me, my same-aged-cousin, male, is going to married by next year. My other same-aged-relative, female, is getting married by this September. Here, male is not expected to be married in early ages, but female is expected to be married sooner. Both wedding plans have, to be honest, been killing me. Why? Because the aunties, the uncles are suddenly questioning, “When’s your turn?”; “Why don’t  you have any boyfriend?”; “You must stop working to much!”; etc. It was fine at first, and then get more annoying, and then sometimes, it bugged me. It bugged me in questions like: “Will I meet someone someday?”, “Will I settle down soon as well?”. 

Yes, it bugged me in a way, each time there are close male friends talking to me; I turned the conversation into some sorts of expectation. Some hope that there was something. Creating this imagination of what if, what if he got some intention to me? Will I just hop into the relationship? Or, maybe he’s just not really suit me. Because I would not tolerate his behavior in this part or that part. These crazy imaginations have came regularly. Actually, I just have those imagination just yesterday. 

Very stupid enough, I got these 2-3 male friends that sometimes (yes, it was just sometimes) chatted with me. I realized, I have let go one of them, and really think that he is truly just a friend, I don’t want to expect more. But then, there is this one, seems so understanding, joking around, seems nice. Of course, I was having the daydreaming, only to making fool of myself; because should he was sort of into you, it wouldn’t take that long to make a move. 

As usual, it always ends in only one way, I am slapping myself, back to the present time. Oh, that’s not real, you are just pretending. Your male friends, really, really think that you are his friend. That’s it. Nothing less, nothing more. He might enjoy talking to me, but that doesn’t mean that he is into me. I might be just a good friend to talk with. Yes, I am always back to reality with this thought. 


I came in a way thinking that I have to stop giving expectation, hoping, and imagining whatever could happened with my male friends here. I need to remind myself that whenever it going to happen, it will do. And actually, I am reminding myself right now. Being single is never bad, never, never bad. It is much better for being on my own instead of choosing wrong and ended up in increasing the divorce rate or every hard relationship time. 


Somewhere crossing the so-called-quarter-life-crisis.